These days I want to run away and be someone else. Correction: I want to be myself again. The past semester has been a downward slide away from myself into places I wish I'd never gone. I can put labels on them - depression, primarily - but what one calls it doesn't matter. The point is that I have found myself being someone I scarcely know, and I am beyond tired of it. I am full of regrets. I've hurt the people I love most in ways I can't even bear to think of without hating myself. I've hurt someone I'm just beginning to know. I've hurt myself. I've dug myself into an academic pit, and even with the help of my professor, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get back out.
Lately things are slightly better - some of the hurts are healed or healing, and the part of my heart that fell apart in August is finally put back together even better than before. I am young and in love and full of promise, terrified of the future but willing to be brave enough to make it through. But I won't be at peace until a few remaining issues are reconciled.
I just want to get away from myself. Sleep for a year. I'm tired of trying. I have absolutely burned myself out in the past few months, and I still can barely manage to muster up the strength to move forward.
2008 has been a bad year for a lot of people. Although its glowing moments were unbelievably glowing - especially as concerns B. - I finally join the ranks of those who say, "2008, you have done me wrong." I am tired of myself and tired of this year. Dear new year creeping up, please please be better. Please let me find myself again.
